I’m sitting here alone in a dark room. My boyfriend is gone for the weekend and I failed to turn any lights on before the sun set completely. The fan is brushing in all the cool air from outside and I can’t help but think of all the time people spent “teaching” me how to be happy. The concept is a little ironic, since I blog for that very reason, to feel what I only occasionally manage to muster up in myself.
I have to be honest. I’m never really sure if I doing it right, life that is; even on my very best day. I’m also pretty sure that most of the world is sitting next to me on that. I think, mostly, because we don’t actually live to be happy. We live according to what happy is supposed to look like.
You should be allowed to love yourself the way you want to love yourself. For some that’s openly and in response to adoration from others. For me, it stems from the mere concept of making a difference. Yet in the same light, I find true solace in my own mind and thoughts. I believe that comes from a lifetime of feeling like I have only my two feet to stand on and often leads me to write most of these pieces to myself.
I hate to assume what people think of me, because my thoughts are not always the prettiest. However, what I’ve gathered to accept is that many would consider me a social butterfly. I put on a smile, I dress up, and I act like I own the world. I’ll be the first to admit that… and some days that’s enough.
The crazy part is that fact that 80% of the time; I’d rather be alone, in my room, with the lights off, just like this. I find I love myself most in these moments. You could blame it on my childhood, or my inability to attach myself to things permanently. It’s kind of ugly, the way I love to love myself. To some it looks anti-social, but to me it’s like finding the deepest parts of your sub-conscious buried deep in a corner.
The process of loving myself is not something you’d want to see in person. It’s uncomfortable, raw, and incredibly sad a lot of the time. I might share my inner findings with the world, but that’s only because I want young women to know they are not alone. I’m not a social butterfly. I’m a girl who puts on a brave face most every day. Likely to say, you’re that person too. We all have dark rooms we like to sit in, but that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the light.